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Post by bastet on May 15, 2020 0:30:11 GMT -5
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
-- Charles Swindoll
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Post by bastet on May 24, 2020 23:04:42 GMT -5
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit, "What will you have?". The rabbit says "I dunno, I'm only here because of Autocorrect".
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Post by bastet on Jun 12, 2020 0:47:41 GMT -5
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
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Post by bastet on Jun 14, 2020 11:53:03 GMT -5
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Post by bastet on Aug 1, 2020 20:59:05 GMT -5
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Post by bastet on Aug 7, 2020 15:51:22 GMT -5
"Well, I'm in the hospital. This has not been a good day. After spending the last 3 months quarantined inside the house, limited contact with my family or friends since end of March...... enough is enough. So I decided to go for a horseback ride with a good friend. Something I haven't done for a long time. It turned out to be a horrible mistake! I got on the horse and I started out slowly, but then it got crazy windy. I went faster and faster and before I knew it, I was going as fast as that horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my pants on the stirrup. I was being dragged and was bouncing all over the place. The horse just would not stop!
Thankfully the manager at Dollar General came running out and unplugged the machine. Then he actually had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters and my bottle of Tequila, so I wouldn't try to ride the darn fire truck or clown car.
I have a few scrapes and bruises but nothing's broken. I will wear a helmet next time."
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Post by bastet on Sept 8, 2020 20:27:12 GMT -5
The following as seen from another site...
"Jokes from my brother - GOLF!"
A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.
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A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting " “Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through.
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A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Mickelson replied, The holes are numbered."
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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father, how about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.
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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes," says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" I don't know -- put me down for a five."
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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?" The man replied: Got here in two, didn't I?
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The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?
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Post by bastet on Sept 20, 2020 11:59:13 GMT -5
1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap? 2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do. 3. When this virus thing is over with, I still want some of you to stay away from me. 4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats. 5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right? 6. People are scared of getting fined or arrested for congregating in crowds, as if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent. 7. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it. 8. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me. 9. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic. 10. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now. 11. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is. 12. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now? 13. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one. 14. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.
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Post by johnnyb on Oct 9, 2020 23:51:55 GMT -5
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Post by bastet on Oct 20, 2020 16:05:11 GMT -5
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Post by Willyiam on Oct 20, 2020 17:24:04 GMT -5
I don't consider A..H... Clean! This is political and does not belong on this forum!!!! Admin: Please take this down.
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Post by bastet on Oct 21, 2020 0:21:57 GMT -5
I don't consider A..H... Clean! This is political and does not belong on this forum!!!! Admin: Please take this down. Start with the instigator....
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Post by bastet on Oct 25, 2020 8:28:50 GMT -5
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender comments, “Wow, cannot ever remember having a weasel in here before, what can I get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel...
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Post by bastet on Nov 12, 2020 1:20:08 GMT -5
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Post by bastet on Nov 23, 2020 23:29:40 GMT -5
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