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Post by bastet on Nov 26, 2020 12:20:03 GMT -5
Old family recipe - Popcorn turkey stuffing
Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. Perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
8 - 15 lb. turkey 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. -VERY IMPORTANT
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.
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Post by bastet on Nov 30, 2020 18:47:39 GMT -5
A dog, a bird and a cat all passed away and went to heaven. Without question, St. Peter opened the gate to let them in. He told them that they were all welcome but that God himself wanted to see them.
The three went before their creator. God said, "All three of you are welcome in heaven but I want to hear what you believed in, while you were on earth".
God asked the dog..."What did you believe? The dog replied, "I believe my mission was to provide loyalty and unconditional love to my master".
God then asked the bird, "What did you believe"? The bird replied, "I believe the colors of my feathers were a beauty to be seen and my songs pleased the ears of all living creatures"
God then asked the cat, "What did you believe?" The cat replied, "I DO believe, you're sitting in my chair".
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Post by bastet on Dec 11, 2020 18:45:50 GMT -5
Q) What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A) "Do you smell carrots?"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2020 20:26:14 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2020 20:28:54 GMT -5
Gross...five year old's sense of humor?
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Post by bastet on Feb 7, 2021 0:07:23 GMT -5
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a suburban shopping mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large older woman in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the woman rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde emerged.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get thy Mother."
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Post by bastet on Feb 11, 2021 10:52:18 GMT -5
Two British gentlemen get on an elevator, there is suddenly a fart smell so one of the gentleman asks the other "Excuse me sir, did you just fart?" The other one responds "Of course I did, do you think I smell like this?"
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Post by bastet on Feb 14, 2021 10:36:03 GMT -5
"My girlfriend gave me a heart shaped jelly roll for Valentine's Day.
Then she stormed out leaving me to eat my heart out."
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Post by bastet on Mar 15, 2021 11:50:31 GMT -5
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability.
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Post by bastet on Mar 26, 2021 19:21:09 GMT -5
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?" "I am probably a type-O," said the rabbit.
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Post by bastet on Apr 4, 2021 16:17:06 GMT -5
Three husband are talking to each other about their wives.
First husband- I don’t get it my wife bought a twenty thousand dollar kitchen and she can’t even cook. Second husband -Yea you think that’s bad my wife bought a fifty thousand dollar car and she can’t even drive. Third husband- Ha I got you two beat my wife bought one hundred condoms for her business trip. And she doesn’t even have the plumbing...
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Post by bounderdriver on Apr 7, 2021 17:35:05 GMT -5
Understanding Engineers #1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded, approvingly, saying, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway." Understanding Engineers #2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers #3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's up with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, either, for I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. "Hello George”, said the priest. What's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime! Today is the anniversary of the catasptrophe.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them, tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague to see if there's any hope she may offer them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Understanding Engineers #4 What is the difference between mechanical and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. Understanding Engineers #5 The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Understanding Engineers #6 Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" Understanding Engineers #7 Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. Understanding Engineers #8 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool." Two engineers??? Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its finial. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said, Steven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their jobs and are currently serving as Congressmen.
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Post by bastet on Apr 13, 2021 23:27:22 GMT -5
"An older lady gets pulled over for speeding"... Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there e a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies
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Post by bastet on Apr 23, 2021 13:37:55 GMT -5
"A woman was flirting with me at the grocery store, my wife said she has Covid.
I asked my wife why she would think that. My wife replied clearly she has no taste."
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Post by bastet on Jun 15, 2021 15:33:54 GMT -5
Hospital regulations; //. A wheelchair is required for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
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