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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2017 2:03:03 GMT -5
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They only know how to say, 'Hi, We're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2017 2:04:12 GMT -5
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, she explained, and I'm afraid the neighbors would talk if I let you stay in my house".
"Don't worry, " Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep out in the barn". She let them settle in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determine that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he and Bob met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his old friend Bob and asked,
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North"?
Bob nodded, and said "Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit"?
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name"?
"Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy. I'm afraid I did". Why do you ask"?
"She just died and left me everything"!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2018 22:34:50 GMT -5
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
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Post by johnnyb on Jan 12, 2018 23:15:34 GMT -5
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Did these people originate from one of those Schitt Hole countries. 😉
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2018 20:56:43 GMT -5
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Did these people originate from one of those Schitt Hole countries. 😉
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 11:19:08 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2018 22:23:46 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 16:22:25 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 17:36:13 GMT -5
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Post by trebor on Feb 20, 2018 18:41:36 GMT -5
�Better than a Flu Shot! �
� Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
� seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond� organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated. of all
things, a condom! � When she returned
With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few
months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
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Post by trebor on Mar 2, 2018 7:54:15 GMT -5
Trump and the Pope President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht.
The Pope accepted and during lunch a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."
Then Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.
No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported:
"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2018 15:43:39 GMT -5
I read that ABBA and Elvis Costello had decided on doing a tour together. Trouble started when they couldn't decide who would get top billing. So stay tuned and watch ABBA and Costello to see who's on first.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2018 13:51:00 GMT -5
A guy dies and goes to heaven. He's met at the Pearly Gates by none other than St. Peter, who takes him on an admission tour.
The two go everywhere. They go to hear the Heavenly Choir, three hundred angels singing on high. They go to the Great Hall of Saints, and the Great Temple of Martyrs, and the guy is just overwhelmed. Finally, St. Peter walks him into a high room filled with thousands and thousands of clocks, large and small, all shapes, all kinds, ticking away.
The guy is puzzled. He asks, "What's with all these clocks?"
"This is the Room of Souls," says St. Peter. "Each clock in the room is assigned to a single human soul. Each and every time a person lies, the minute hand of their clock clicks forward."
The guy is amazed. He strolls around in wonder, looking at each clock. "That one over there is Mother Theresa's clock," says St. Peter. "She never even told one lie, not one, so you see hers is standing at 12:00 noon."
"That one is Abraham Lincoln's. He only told two lies in his life, so his is standing at 12:02."
The guy is in awe, wandering among all the clocks, reading the names. Suddenly he stops. "Wait a minute," he asks. "Don't you have one for Donald Trump?"
"Oh, his is in the kitchen," replies St. Peter. "We use it as a fan."
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2018 14:39:16 GMT -5
The guy is in awe, wandering among all the clocks, reading the names. Suddenly he stops. "Wait a minute," he asks. "Don't you have one for Donald Trump?" "Oh, his is in the kitchen," replies St. Peter. "We use it as a fan." Someone here could have said, "And, Obama is mopping the floor." But that would be political, and that is not allowed here even as a joke. BTW you never answered my question who the portrait was. You only said 'I can't because that would be political.' Would a portrait of the Trump ladies be political? And you would say, 'No, because there are no Trump ladies.' And that would be political, and wrong. The rules are quite clear. Your picture of the Texas redneck was not political, just accurate.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2018 11:42:34 GMT -5
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