|
Post by bgstar on Feb 27, 2023 21:20:45 GMT -5
What species of birds are always seen together?
Vel-crows.
"Birds of a feather flock together".
|
|
|
Post by bastet on Mar 4, 2023 10:36:54 GMT -5
Do not major in history in college I told my boys.
There is no future in it.
|
|
|
Post by bastet on Mar 26, 2023 19:19:27 GMT -5
A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "Isn’t it terrible the way Biden stole the election?"
|
|
|
Post by bastet on Apr 21, 2023 11:09:27 GMT -5
Four Irish nuns are sitting in a car at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a truck full of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey penguins show us yer boobies!" shouts one of them.
Shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "-edited- off, ya feckin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer bollox off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?”
|
|
|
Post by bastet on Apr 23, 2023 18:38:53 GMT -5
A guy was sitting reading the newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and hit him on the head.. with a magazine. "What was that for" he asked? "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it", she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of the horse I bet on" he said. "Oh honey, I'm sorry"' she said, "I should have known there was a good explanation". Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when his wife walked up behind him and hit him on the back of the head again, except this time with a cast iron skillet, knocking him out cold. When he came to he looked at her and said "What in the world was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called".
|
|
|
Post by bastet on May 2, 2023 23:37:17 GMT -5
Two long-time friends were sitting on the porch.
Sam: "You know Al you are about the cheapest person I've ever met." Al: "I'm not buying it."
|
|
|
Post by bastet on May 5, 2023 6:58:39 GMT -5
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a Flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
|
|
|
Post by bastet on May 20, 2023 21:42:49 GMT -5
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the head monk, "What's wrong, father?" The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, "The word is celebrate not celibate!"
|
|
|
Post by bastet on May 26, 2023 18:34:08 GMT -5
A man is working at a grocery store in the produce section. As he is stocking shelves an old woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me sir! Can you show me where the broccoli is? I wanna buy some broccoli!" "I'm sorry Ma'am. We are all out of broccoli right now. We'll be getting a shipment in tonight so come back tomorrow and we'll have all the broccoli you need" he said. The woman leaves and ten minute later taps the same guy on the shoulder and says " Excuse me sir! Can you tell me where the broccoli is? I wanna buy some broccoli." The man says "I just told you we are out of broccoli, but we will have some tomorrow!" The woman leaves again. Ten minutes later she taps the same guy on the shoulder and says, " Excuse me sir. Can you show me where the broccoli is? I wanna buy some broccoli." The store clerk says, " Ma'am I am obviously not getting through to you! I'll try it another way. Now ma'am , can you spell the word Cat in the word Catatonic?" "Why yes I can C-A-T" "Now ma'am, can you spell the word Dog in the word Dogmatic?" "Why yes I can D-O-G" "Now ma'am, this is the important one! Can you spell the word **** in Broccoli?" "There is no **** in broccoli!" "That's what I've been trying to tell you! THERE IS NO ****IN' broccoli!!"
|
|
|
Post by bastet on Jun 5, 2023 10:24:05 GMT -5
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
|
|
|
Post by bastet on Aug 2, 2023 17:02:30 GMT -5
My neighbor decided to clean his chimney on his own because the service was too expensive.
"Soot yourself," said the chimney sweep.
|
|
|
Post by bastet on Oct 10, 2023 18:10:05 GMT -5
English literature: I will die for honor French literature: I will die for love American literature: I will die for freedom Russian literature: I will die
|
|
|
Post by bastet on Dec 4, 2023 12:25:54 GMT -5
Why did the period breakup with the apostrophe?
It was too possessive ...
|
|