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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2018 16:06:45 GMT -5
Bob asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. After several minutes of violently shaking Bob’s head and yelling “praise the lord” the preacher whispered to Bob “how’s your hearing?”
Bob responded “I don’t know yet, it’s not until Tuesday morning!”
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2018 13:00:41 GMT -5
How to give a cat a pill:
1.Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2.Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4.Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5.Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6.Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7.Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8.Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9.Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11.Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13.Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14.Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15.Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
1.Wrap in cheese or bacon. Throw on floor.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2018 10:25:57 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 15:29:58 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2018 15:33:48 GMT -5
Let's party! Pope insists there is no hell! In another interview with his longtime atheist friend, Eugenio Scalfari, Pope Francis claims that Hell does not exist and that condemned souls just "disappear." This is a denial of the 2,000-year-old teaching of the Catholic Church about the reality of Hell and the eternal existence of the soul. The interview between Scalfari and the Pope was published March 28, 2018 in La Repubblica. The relevant section on Hell was translated by the highly respected web log, Rorate Caeli. The interview is headlined, "The Pope: It is an honor to be called revolutionary." (Il Papa: “È un onore essere chiamato rivoluzionario." ) Scalfari says to the Pope, "Your Holiness, in our previous meeting you told me that our species will disappear in a certain moment and that God, still out of his creative force, will create new species. You have never spoken to me about the souls who died in sin and will go to hell to suffer it for eternity. You have however spoken to me of good souls, admitted to the contemplation of God. But what about bad souls? Where are they punished?" Pope Francis says, "They are not punished, those who repent obtain the forgiveness of God and enter the rank of souls who contemplate him, but those who do not repent and cannot therefore be forgiven disappear. There is no hell, there is the disappearance of sinful souls." www.cnsnews.com/blog/michael-w-chapman/pope-francis-there-no-hell
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2018 8:06:04 GMT -5
"As a retired belly button judge for the Miss America Pageant, I can't really get all that excited about nudist colonies. I mean I don't see putting my advanced degrees in Braille and Anatomy to use in one."
- @extex
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 23:16:17 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2018 17:39:46 GMT -5
Happy Easter...and Happy Passover! Know the difference?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 15:29:03 GMT -5
"I met a prostitute who said she'll do anything for $50... guess who's got his front porch repainted."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2018 10:17:48 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2018 21:08:43 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2018 23:03:46 GMT -5
The following is a true story. It was originally submitted by Karl Heuer to rec.humor.funny (usenet).
Last week I walked into a local "home style cookin' restaurant/watering hole" to pick up a take out order. I spoke briefly to the waitress behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a few minutes.
So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements hanging on the walls, I was approached by two, uh, um... well, let's call them "natives".
These guys might just be the original Texas rednecks -- complete with ten-gallon hats, snakeskin boots and the pervasive odor of cheap beer and whiskey.
"Pardon us, ma'am. Mind of we ask you a question?"
Well, people keep telling me that Texans are real friendly, so I nodded.
"Are you a Satanist?"
Well, at least they didn't ask me if I liked to party.
"Uh, no, I can't say that I am."
"Gee ma'am. Are you sure about that?" they asked.
I put on my biggest, brightest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader smile and said, "No, I'm positive. The closest I've ever come to Satanism is watching Geraldo."
"Hmm. Interesting. See, we was just wondering why it is you have the lord of darkness on your chest there."
I was *this close* to slapping one of them and causing a scene -- then I stopped and noticed the T-shirt I happened to be wearing that day.
Sure enough, it had a picture of a small, devilish looking creature that has for quite some time now been associated with a certain operating system (bsd). In this particular representation, the creature was wearing sneakers.
They continued: "See, ma'am, we don't exactly appreciate it when people show off pictures of the devil. Especially when he's lookin' so friendly."
These idiots sounded terrifyingly serious.
Me: "Oh, well, see, this isn't really the devil, it's just, well, it's sort of a mascot."
Native: "And what kind of football team has the devil as a mascot?"
Me: "Oh, it's not a team. It's an operating-- uh, a kind of computer."
I figured that an ATM machine was about as much technology as these guys could handle, and I knew that if I so much as uttered the word "unix" I would only make things worse.
Native: "Where does this satanical computer come from?"
Me: "California. And there's nothing satanical about it really."
Somewhere along the line here, the waitress has noticed my predicament -- but these guys probably outweighed her by 600 pounds, so all she did was look at me sympathetically and run off into the kitchen.
Native: "Ma'am, I think you're lying. And we'd appreciate it if you'd leave the premises now."
Fortunately, the waitress returned that very instant with my order, and they agreed that it would be okay for me to actually pay for my food before I left.
While I was at the cash register, they amused themselves by talking to each other.
Native #1: "Do you think the police know about these devil computers?"
Native #2: "If they come from California, then the FBI oughta know about 'em."
They escorted me to the door. I tried one last time: "You're really blowing this all out of proportion. A lot of people use this "kind of computers". Universities, researchers, businesses. They're actually very useful."
Big, big, BIG mistake. I should have guessed at what came next.
Native: "Does the government use these devil computers?"
Me: "Yes."
Another BIG boo-boo.
Native: "And does the government pay for 'em? With our tax dollars?"
I decided that it was time to jump ship.
Me: "No. Nope. Not at all. You're tax dollars never entered the picture at all. I promise. No sir, not a penny. Our good Christian congressmen would never let something like that happen. Nope. Never. Bye."
Texas. What a country.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 22:12:02 GMT -5
A duck walks into a bar, asks the bartender for grapes. Bartender says he does not have any, duck leaves. Next day same duck walks into the same bar, "Got any grapes?" Bartender says no, we only sell drinks like beer and such. Duck leaves. Next day same duck walks into the same bar, "Got any grapes?" Finally the bartender loses it!!!! Says "Look if you walk in here again asking for grapes I will nail your beak to the bar!" Duck leaves. Next day same duck walks into the same bar. "Got any nails?" Bartender says "no, why?" Duck says "good, got any grapes?"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2018 0:35:47 GMT -5
This cowboy rides up to the saloon and thinks he might stop in for a drink. He gets off his horse, walks around to the back of the horse, lifts up the tail and then kisses the horse right on the @ss. The cowboy then heads into the saloon to get himself a drink. The Bartender says, "I know it’s none of my business, but did you just kiss your horses rear end???" "Sure did", says the cowboy. "I've got chapped lips." The Bartender asks, "Does that get rid of them?" "I don't know", replies the cowboy, "But it sure stops me from licking them!"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2018 23:28:42 GMT -5
You know why God made man before he made woman?
Because he didn't want to be told how to do it.
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