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Post by bastet on Jan 13, 2023 10:43:45 GMT -5
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
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Post by bastet on Jan 18, 2023 20:18:22 GMT -5
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Post by bastet on Jan 19, 2023 9:54:37 GMT -5
"A marvelous bird is the pelican, His beak can hold more than his belly can; He can hold in his beak Enough food for a week, But I don't know how the hell he can." -- Author unknown
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Post by bastet on Jan 20, 2023 10:48:23 GMT -5
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
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Post by bastet on Jan 22, 2023 20:17:16 GMT -5
Did you hear about the man who was rushed to the hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses?
It was terrible at first, but now the doctors are describing his condition as stable.
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Post by rlhamil on Jan 22, 2023 21:21:28 GMT -5
Did you hear about the man who was rushed to the hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses?
It was terrible at first, but now the doctors are describing his condition as stable.
Is there a "groan" emoji?
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Post by bastet on Jan 28, 2023 18:15:26 GMT -5
A great upper body exercise routine for us older folk.
Find a room where you can comfortably stretch both arms out. Grasp a 5-pound potato sack in each hand and slowly lift, then lower your arms. Repeat ten times. Do this daily. After a few weeks, try it with 10-pound sacks. After a month, move up to 25-pound sacks. When that's become easy, upgrade to 50-pound sacks. Then, when you feel confident, put a potato in each sack...
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Post by bastet on Feb 9, 2023 16:39:07 GMT -5
Why are elephant tusks easy to find in Alabama?
Because Tuscaloosa there.
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Post by bastet on Feb 12, 2023 16:57:46 GMT -5
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's yesterday... His mom got really angry at me.
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Post by bastet on Feb 14, 2023 10:44:59 GMT -5
An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating him. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air, and there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?" His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the coffin was closed.
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Post by bastet on Feb 14, 2023 10:56:46 GMT -5
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
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Post by bastet on Feb 18, 2023 12:50:42 GMT -5
I started a support group for men with erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop. Nobody came.
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Post by bgstar on Feb 18, 2023 15:57:20 GMT -5
I started a support group for men with erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop. Nobody came.
That joke was flacid.
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Post by bastet on Feb 24, 2023 10:50:19 GMT -5
Read this article on the effects of alcohol on humans when we walk.
The results were staggering.
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Post by bastet on Feb 27, 2023 19:16:58 GMT -5
What species of birds are always seen together?
Vel-crows.
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