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Post by bastet on Apr 4, 2022 15:04:27 GMT -5
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Post by bastet on Apr 5, 2022 14:58:44 GMT -5
“We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.” ― Robert Wilensky
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Post by bastet on Apr 9, 2022 21:40:35 GMT -5
"A dyslectic insomniac agnostic stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog."
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Post by bastet on Apr 13, 2022 16:37:56 GMT -5
Putin: "General Yzxyzzeski, our soldiers are revolting!"
General: "Are they ever."
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Post by bastet on Apr 19, 2022 9:54:14 GMT -5
Math Concepts the State of Florida Finds Objectionable
Calculus: We stand firmly against any field of mathematics that requires integration.
Multiplication: We believe only certain numbers should be allowed to multiply with one another.
Polygons: We reject the notion that anything can have more than one side.
Order of Operations: The mnemonic Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally is reverse racism. Nobody should have to apologize just because their relative was in the United Daughters of the Confederacy.
The Number Zero: All numbers are either positive or negative. That’s just basic math.
Subtraction: It’s wrong to subtract a fractional number from another number before it has become whole.
Set Theory: We oppose any concept that recognizes the “simple majority” or “plurality” of a group.
Equal Signs: We believe in equality, obviously. Just not the way they’re doing it.
Prime Numbers: The only prime number the State of Florida recognizes is 17—the age at which a woman is in her prime.
Functions: We’re against anything that requires getting input first before it can be executed.
Gradients: We believe all slopes are slippery.
Square Roots: No mathematical concept that encourages using radical symbols should ever be taught in schools.
Mathematical Proofs: We don’t think any assertion requires “proof.”
Limits of Exponential Functions: Powers should not have any limits.
Non-Binary Operations, the Transitive Property, Cis(x), and Homogeneous Spaces: You’re not allowed to say any of these words in Florida.
Division: This one is OK with us.
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Post by bastet on Apr 20, 2022 9:27:42 GMT -5
An old lady sat on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted three wishes. Well, now,” said the old lady, ”I guess I would like to be really rich.” POOF Her rocking chair turned into solid gold. ”And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” POOF She turned into a beautiful young woman. ”Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them. ”Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asked. POOF And there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could have possibly imagined. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear, ”Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”
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Post by bastet on Apr 21, 2022 12:49:10 GMT -5
"The way I heard it, the advance of a company of Russian soldiers was being hampered by a Ukrainian pouring rifle fire from a small bombed-out building. Who will get rid of this pest?" the Russian captain asked, and soon an eager volunteer snuck up on the building and rushed inside. A single shot was heard and the captain smiled, assuming the Ukrainian was dead. But, the Russian volunteer did not return and rifle fire at the company resumed. The captain sent two more volunteers to kill the Ukrainian and this time there were several shots and some screaming, but the volunteers never returned. Enraged, the captain hand-picked an eight-man squad and ordered them to annihilate the Ukrainian. They charged into the house and, after a couple of minutes of shooting and hideous wailing----the rifle shots again began peppering the Russians. In shock, the apoplectic captain sent an entire platoon after the Ukrainian sniper. Mayhem ensued inside the wrecked building---dozens of gunshots and screams until finally, one seriously injured Russian was seen crawling back toward the captain while mumbling something. When he was nearly all the way back to safety, he raised his head one last time and---wild-eyed---croaked "Go back! Go back! There's TWO of them!"
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Post by bastet on May 8, 2022 10:50:57 GMT -5
An Amish Farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand. The farmer says, "Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm geschissen." which means, "Don't drink the water, the pigs and cows doo doo in it." The guy shouts back, "I'm a trump supporter and this is America. I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, you moron." The farmer says, "Use both hands. You'll get more."
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Post by bastet on May 12, 2022 9:50:40 GMT -5
Bob sat down at the "retired table" in the little diner he coffeed at each morning with a sort of smug smile on his face. "Well," he began, "it cost me several thousand bucks, but you're lookin' at a guy with the world's most advanced "very best" hearing aid! It is wonderful!" "What kind is it?" asked Fred. "It's not quite 8:00 a.m." Bob replied.
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Post by bastet on May 23, 2022 18:51:33 GMT -5
What do you call it when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
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Post by bastet on May 24, 2022 21:55:46 GMT -5
I think some of our politicians should donate their bodies to science.
That way scientists can figure out how they functioned during their lives without having brains, guts, and spines.
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Post by bastet on Jun 5, 2022 10:24:18 GMT -5
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Post by bastet on Jun 5, 2022 22:27:10 GMT -5
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while he is given a day off for good behavior. So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender: -Is Crimea ours? -Yes, it is. -And the Donbas? -Also ours. -And Kyiv? -We got that too. Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks: -Thanks, how much do I owe you? The bartender replies: -5 euros.
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Post by bastet on Jun 29, 2022 9:01:15 GMT -5
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"
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Post by bastet on Jun 29, 2022 9:34:47 GMT -5
Why did Trump throw the plates at the wall?
He wanted to look tough on China.
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