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Post by bastet on Jul 1, 2022 17:19:34 GMT -5
Why are Koalas not classified as bears?
No Koalafications.
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Post by bastet on Aug 29, 2022 21:45:54 GMT -5
So, an independent, a Democrat and a Republican all applied for the same job and were being interviewed individually. The first to be summoned into the manager's office was the independent. "I have just one question for you" the manager said. "What is two plus two?" Somewhat amazed, the independent responded "Two plus two? That's the question? Four--- the answer is four." "Okay. Thank you. We'll let you know." Next, the Democrat was called in and was asked the same question. "That depends" he said. "If both twos are positive the answer is a positive four. If they're both negative, the answer is a negative four. And, of course, if one is positive and one is negative, the answer is zero." "Thank you. We'll let you know what we decide." Finally, the Republican is interviewed and asked the same question. He smiled, looked around the room, rose, walked over and opened the door and looked up and down the empty hallway. He returned, pulled his chair up closer to the boss, sat down and leaned forward. Smiling again, he softly inquired "What would you like it to be?"
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Post by bastet on Sept 1, 2022 20:51:08 GMT -5
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Post by bastet on Sept 8, 2022 18:00:07 GMT -5
Prince Phillip had an apparently true story about he and the Queen riding in an open horse & carriage with an African head of state (on some formal state visit ceremony). One of the horses farted and the Queen apparently said something along the lines of "Oh, I'm terribly sorry about that". The African head of state replied, "Oh, there was no need to apologize Your Majesty, if you hadn't said anything I would have though it was one of the horses".
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Post by bastet on Sept 12, 2022 22:15:30 GMT -5
An elderly gentleman slowly shuffled into an ice cream parlor.
He was hunched over and in obvious pain, and he moaned loudly as he sat down on the stool at the counter. He said to the waitress "banana split please". As the waitress was preparing the banana split and putting on the finishing touches, she asked the gentleman "Crushed nuts"? He replied "No, arthritis".
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Post by bastet on Oct 28, 2022 21:15:34 GMT -5
Wife asked me if I wanted to be buried or cremated.
I said "I dunno, surprise me".
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Post by bastet on Nov 5, 2022 10:50:32 GMT -5
Him: "Whoa, look at that drunk dude over there." Her: "Omigosh, that's an ex-boyfriend of mine!" Him: "Really?" Her: "It was like 10 years ago. He actually asked to marry me, but I said no." Him: "And he's still celebrating!"
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Post by bastet on Nov 11, 2022 15:07:22 GMT -5
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.
She hugged me.
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Post by bastet on Nov 24, 2022 19:44:54 GMT -5
My wife said no puns on Thanksgiving.
No can do. I can’t quit cold turkey.
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Post by bastet on Dec 3, 2022 11:41:37 GMT -5
Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio were walking down the street and they came across a building with a sign out front, "competition to see who is the fairest of them all."
Snow White smiles, says "excuse me, gentlemen," and walks in. A half-hour later, she comes out and says "I won, of course."
Soon they come across another building with a sign: "competition to see who's the strongest of all." Superman grins, excuses himself, and emerges soon. "I won, of course."
They come across a third building: "competition to see who's the biggest liar of them all." Pinocchio smiles and says, "this one's for me!", and goes in. A half-hour later, he emerges, tears running down his face.
"Who the hell is Donald Trump?" he asks.
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Post by bastet on Dec 8, 2022 15:37:46 GMT -5
A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood, in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After successful surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving His blood, a new BMW, a 5-carat diamond and $50,000 dollars.
A few months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. So the hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. Needless to say, the Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
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Post by bastet on Dec 28, 2022 12:43:37 GMT -5
My wife is going out three nights a week with her driving instructor.
I wouldn't mind except she passed her driving test eight years ago...
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Post by bastet on Dec 28, 2022 13:07:47 GMT -5
While standing nude in front of a mirror this morning I wondered "How long is it going to take for IKEA to chase me out of the store?”
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Post by bastet on Dec 31, 2022 9:51:12 GMT -5
Once upon a time a man was tired of the fast pace of modern life and decided to enter a monastery to gain inner peace.
To become a member of this monastery though there was a requirement he could only speak 2 words every 10 years. The first 10 years goes by and he stands up at the communal dinner and says, " Bed hard." Another 10 years goes by and he stands up and says, "Food bad." Finally, after another 10 years goes by he stands up and says, "I quit." The leader of the monastery immediately stands up and says, "I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
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Post by bastet on Jan 4, 2023 20:04:11 GMT -5
What do you do with a chemist who is ill? First you try to helium, then you try to curium, but if this fails then you have to barium.
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