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Post by Beachguy on Jun 29, 2017 15:30:38 GMT -5
mbusby must like man butts
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Post by Beachguy on Jul 1, 2017 12:15:53 GMT -5
I am thinking of running for contest here of Most Popular Member
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Post by Beachguy on Jul 1, 2017 12:19:14 GMT -5
How about a up to date picture of members of today .
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Post by agog on Jul 18, 2017 4:41:04 GMT -5
I don't think DM from Amz will mind if I re-post his funny "dumb blonde" joke over here.
***************************************************************************************
DM says:
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 10:50:39 GMT -5
You have to be very careful around blonds. I was lost walking down the streets in a big city. I stopped to ask directions. This beautiful blond with earbuds was standing on the corner. I tried to get her attention several times with no luck. I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't listen. Finally I pulled her earbuds out and she fell over, dead. Curious, I put an earbud in my ear and heard -
Breath In - Breath Out - Breath In - Breath Out ......
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2017 20:24:50 GMT -5
A funeral service was being held in a small-town funeral parlor for a beloved local woman who had just passed away. At the end of the tearful, emotional service the pallbearers carried the casket out, when they accidentally bumped into a wall and jostled the casket. From out of the casket the congregation heard a faint moan, then another and another. They opened the casket -- and found out that the woman was actually alive! The congregation, in fact the entire town, went into thankful rejoicing. The woman and her husband were surrounded with overjoyed well-wishers, with tearful hugs and delighted amazement. The woman enjoyed good health in the small town for ten more productive years. Then, one day, she suddenly died. A ceremony was again held at the same funeral parlor, with the entire town in attendance. At the end of the ceremony the pallbearers again carried out the casket. As they made their way toward the door the husband cried out, "Watch out for the wall..." Coincidently, in the same funeral parlor another lady was having a funeral. There were very few people in attendance. On the way to be buried the hearse passed by a golf course, 13th tee. A four-some was getting ready to tee off when one guy stopped, faced the procession, put his hand over his heart, and bowed his head. Another guy said "Joe, what a nice tribute, how nice." Joe said, "It was the least I could do, we were married nearly 40 years."
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2017 13:52:10 GMT -5
Just been flipping thru some channels and came across the last ten minutes of "The Company You Keep." Said, hey get to see Jackie.
Just after Robert is released, he meets Jackie sitting on a park bench. They talk, then gets up and walk off. End of movie.
You cannot hear what thy say, but I just bet Jackie says "Hey, Bob, you want to make a musical out of this thing."
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2017 16:51:07 GMT -5
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Post by jrchico on Nov 15, 2017 15:06:25 GMT -5
God's
Plan for Aging:
Most seniors never get
enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful
so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things,
thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was
good.
Then God saw there was
another need.. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they
would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God
looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the
function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of
nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more
exercise. God looked down and saw that it was
good
So if you find as you age,
you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in
your best interest even though you mutter under your
breath.
Nine
Important Facts to Remember as We Grow
Older
#9 Death is the number 1
killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually
transmitted.
#7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
#6 Men have 2
motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If
you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a
sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and
you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to
feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of
nothing.
#3 All of us could take a
lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took
LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of
jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Please share this wisdom
with others while I go to the bathroom.
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Post by jrchico on Nov 16, 2017 18:04:10 GMT -5
A deaf mute guy walks up to a foursome on the first hole.
He hands one of the players a card that says
“I am a deaf mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”
The guy that gets the card is a -edited-, shakes his head no.
Then points for the deaf mute to go back.
A few holes later, the -edited- standing in the fairway, gets hit in the back by a golf ball.
He turns around -edited- and sees the deaf mute holding up four fingers.
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Post by jrchico on Nov 17, 2017 18:29:48 GMT -5
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
* 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
* 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
* 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
* 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
* 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
* 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
* 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
* 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone? EMTs were called.
* 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
* 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
* 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
* 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
* 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
* 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
* 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
* And last, but not least:
* 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2017 22:28:57 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2017 21:58:02 GMT -5
Photo bomb...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2017 22:07:27 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2017 22:08:39 GMT -5
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